Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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