Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
