I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
