i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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