Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
