this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
