I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
