If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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