I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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