They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
