so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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