If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
