So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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