there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Drunk is not a location!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
