I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
