Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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