I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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