I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
