You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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