I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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