I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
