she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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