I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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