Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
