i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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