im holly from the hills drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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