and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
