...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
