Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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