I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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