Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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