Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
