i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
