Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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