I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
