dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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