Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
