Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
