If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They took my balls.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
