I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
