i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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