This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
