kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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