bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
