U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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