Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a hot homeless man
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
