Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
