sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
