I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
