between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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