If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
